Heavy snowbanks sweat summer sad
Eroding time melted down
From what was once solid, unsoiled promise.
Upcoming birthdays, international travel,
Everything is very “fine”
Except for the sludge of thin hairs
Breaking under comb’s teeth
Clogging up perception, and vision of
A possible, melded union between us.
I’m told I don’t value myself quite enough,
That I struggle with verbal articulation of
And advocacy for what I feel
Are reasonable expectations
And then consequently simmer down
To decrepit despair
Flailing in tornado self blame gales
To wilt in mimed silence
While mimicking real life
When I feel disappointed and frustrated
That my needs aren’t getting met or if
The behavior of another is askew.
There is truth in this.
“I care about you and so it’s hard
To watch you continue to suffer like this,”
Someone remarks as she hugs me
With the tender care
Found only among old friends as we
Sit and chat over lukewarm mochas.
“How long will you let this go on?
You seem so stuck. Life is so short.
You need to live!”
Yes. Maybe, there comes a point
Where after so much buckling pain,
Pointed talks circling, going brick wall
Nowhere that there is nothing
Constructive left to say to someone else
About how things worn and frayed
Might be newly redesigned and stitched up
To rebuild a stable, peaceful life together,
Chasms feel and thus become unbridgeable.
I reach across the blackness
Only to feel cold air rush,
A bleak nothing void.
Soft, small emotional turning away
Become sharper, larger moves
Accompanied by an,
“Oh, Well, I truly tried my best,” shrug
Shrouded by exhausted, sleepless,
Knuckle cracking nights.
Desire fades a colorless death because
I know in my heart,
I truly gave you my best shot.
I loved way beyond what I ever knew
To be in tune with your emotions
To share and
To fully trust you (until I didn’t)
And yet was unsuccessful anyway.
The will to forge ahead
Down molded hallways
An interest in us executing a
“Clean” break created by separate traveling
Grows within me,
Makes some rational sense.
Even so, this ending
Isn’t going to feature
Parking lot yelling tear-downs or
Wicked, raised voiced arguments
(That I learned you rather
Excel in from ample, prior practice)
Lacerated by bowls thrown,
Shattering into irreparable shards,
The police arriving and a subsequent arrest,
Or anything remotely close or in between.
You’ve already starred in those ugly roles
In past lives
And I have no interest or intention
In stretching up that canvas
To flourish a piece that evokes any of
Those confrontational, bridge burning hues,
No, not for me, not with me.
Instead, my wish is for us both
To, in fact, go gently into that good night
Of our relationship–
To appreciate the masterpiece in progress
We were making but
Couldn’t quite finish
And love the memories adding up the total
Of a true love we did accomplish.
Not everyone even gets a glint
Of the bright, shiny experience we had.
Not everyone does
Not everyone can.
I plan only to smile with gratitude
When I think of you–
Holding me while
Encouraging and challenging me
To be my best, most healthy
You were a kind of supreme,
Dented super hero to me
Who comprised my world, once
And I loved you so much, scars and all,
The feeling almost hurt.
I was going to be with and take care of you
Until you died.
Yes, I was.
Armed with crystal recall,
I will always love you, actually,
Even with drastically diminished
Or nonexistent contact
Because I don’t easily let go of people
In my mind
Who I’ve let into my skittish heart
And have been special to me.
Like it or not,
You will never be totally rid of me
Because a part of me will remain
Forever tied to you.
What do you think of that?