Post Emotional Tone Deafness Leaves me Second Guessing Myself like Every Single Day

Grasping to regain
A breezier handhold,
I realized today that
I’ve managed to fall
Heavy, down and away
From the beautifully connected
Love song we’ve
Been composing lately,
All on my own

This stumbling finds me flat
On a hard, packed
Dusty dirt road as the
Horse pulled cart
Continues moving onward
Leaving me stunned,
Wondering what has just happened,
Confused.

A caked sorrow
Creeps up inside me
Anxiety insect intersects,
Impossible to squash,
Make my skin crawl.

You have done nothing wrong
And have been stellar good to me.
I have given you my best,
Most open heart and
Continue to want to please you—

But somehow, somewhere
Unease and my own self doubt
About my ability
To view reality accurately
Lurk painfully behind curtains
Of possible denial
Masking vague,
Warped assessments skating upon
What I want to see, maybe,
Not what actually is.

Do I assume things
Are wonderful between us
Shining in the sun
Of my own convenience
While perhaps remaining blind
To resentments
Salted with passive aggressive
Resignation hiding behind
Substantial dressers of history
And mutual positive will,

Like I did before?

Do I correctly interpret
What I see as
A ripening golden streak
Between us
Or am I “dreaming”?

Rationally, I think yes,
My view is spot on.
And then there’s you who
Confirm my “suspicions” that
We gain more aged breadth
Every day
In happiness and comfort,

But, then again,
As nightfall comes to me
On cat’s paws,
Comments like, “I rent you,”
Made in the past
Said again
Though clearly made in jest
This time
Make me wonder,
Distrusting myself.
Could I be wrong, so “off”,
Again?

After all, tone deaf people,
Wholly unable to hear
When they sing
Emotionally off key notes
Yet certain they
Are progressing flawlessly,
Continue their
Distorted melodies
Disconcerting other listeners
Unless and until
They get proven otherwise.

Last time, I totally
Didn’t see what was coming
Coming.

Because the horrific fall
From my faulty assumption
“We were doing fine” branch
Perched high and perilous
Resulted in biting down
Into meat of my tongue
Blood flow everywhere

And my subsequent tendency
To “over learn”,
I now find myself
Swinging out on a limb,
Lacking confidence
In my ways of knowing,
Blurry tentative marks
Smearing the page,
So unsure…

Deep within,
My reptilian cortex
Still present, inevitably
Draws from past,
Collective Experience and

Activates ancient instinct—
Swimming in the ocean
Scales, tails, fins—
“I’ve done this
And been here before”,
Even though I know that I
Actually haven’t, of course.

Interested in being
Proactively emotionally aware,
Fine tuned and lithe,
I worry so much more
About how I come across
Than I ever did—
Nail biting
Second guessed eternities.

Do I seem too needy?
Am I sufficiently accomplished
And independent enough?
Have I overstayed my welcome?—

Since when am I so plagued?
Why?

Things that never weighed me down
Six months ago
Sack me now
Pull me down with
Annoyingly amazing
Persistent irrationality
Making my insides weep
With a degree of
Newfangled, nonlinear unwellness

An unanticipated snowstorm in May—
Wretched weather I dislike—
A needless and inconvenient
“Sun Downing” time suck
Soaking my shoes and socks
Through and through
Needs to pass,
Thank you very much.

While easier said than done,
Ultimately, I know
I am better and stronger
Than my own self
My own worst enemy,
My most trusted advocate,
My own, best friend.

Vague

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