Brilliant New Year: A Bit Stooped and Timid

The new year,
Fresh starts
Cleaning up life
Evicting stains
From brain baggage into oblivion
Leaving pages starched crisp
Blank brilliant white
Upon which to write and
Shape the future,

Has not opened with
A positive, directed “Bang!”
The way we may hope and expect.
Instead, this beginning
Appears rather stooped and timid
With emotional butterflies
Fluttering every which way
Inside me leaving me short
Of sanity and a sense of
Eagerness and well being.

Unlike many, I don’t
Have a resolution to
Get into better shape
Or to loose weight.
I’m already “there”—
The one area in my life
In which I have forged ahead
To experience success.

Rather, my difficulty
Remains murky about the ways
In which I may change my life
To accompany the fact that
In about a year and a half,
Children will have grown up
And will leave me
To test the length of
Their wing spans and
Shape the quality of their
Flight patterns across new horizons.

Adult children will always
Be embraced and welcomed home
But high school graduation
Looms and marks the end
Of a key life phase

But oh, what a busy cluttered
Magnificence filled with
Wholeness, fulfillment,
Financial worries alongside
So many many hugs and kisses
That period of life was.

Now, a darkened house
So much heavy silence
Blankets the air.
Dust collects in bedrooms
Vacated for collegiate endeavors.
Loneliness gathers like
Storm clouds over the hill
Made more ominous by the
Rumbling thunder in the distance.

What will I do
When this time arrives
And looks me full in the face?

Is it fair for me
To be stuck “forever”
Especially after I’ve fulfilled
Extended family expectations
Of doing what’s best
For the kids,
Providing one household,
An unbroken family.

When can I live life for me–
Consume experiences
I’d like to have
In big lusty bites and gulps
With people who can
Help me grow versus stay still
In the same place?

How do I become free
A bird in flight
Soaring up high?
What are the costs?
Who comes with me and
Who, like the shedding
Of a fuzzy bathrobe after a shower,
Falls away?

A curtain shifts slightly
In the breeze
Obstructing my view of
What lies beyond.
Light shows through the bottom
So I know something bright awaits me.

I just have to get there.



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