Conversations—New and Old

Afternoons
Afterwards
Aftermath
I’m still here, somehow,
With my head resting
On your chest listening
To your heart beat
Unsure I feel the closeness.

Just being and navigating
Through this past fall and winter
Have left me exhausted.
I should move on but I’m
Distracted
Weakened
Because I’m still tied to you
After 3 strong salad years of
Unusual quality connection,
Like it or not.

Despite the in-flux state
Of wobbling teetering emotion
What I do know is that
I’m wanting
Planning
Needing
To become well
Once again whether or not
That includes you.

I have had to let you go
In my heart to be able to
Tread water
And, so I have—

I look at you now and
Do not try to grip onto you
Forever like I once did.
Instead, I’ve
Migrated
Mitigated
Germinated
Different gardens filled with
Whimsical flora to be able to
Blow spores off a
Fuzzy dandelion head
To be able sit back, watch
And let the seeds dissipate and
Land where they may.

I will not try to control you,
Any outcomes,
Conversations or
Intimacy you may begin
With anyone else,
Even as these relations
May continue on and on
While you think
You can still have
And be with me.

I no longer have
The right or even
The hold on you
In my own heart
To dig into you that tightly
Pointless—
Like trying to capture that
Elusive flower fuzz
In the palm of my hand.

I owe it to myself now
To be healthy,
To smile inside more often
Because I love my life
Filled with my own
Projects and goals.
I need to carry my life out
As I see fit
Which again, may include you
But may not.

That is the way of things
Here and now.

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