Harmonizing Desire to a Middle Aged Body

IMG_4024

Training for a half marathon
In October–
90 days out, two weeks in…

Running 13.1 miles
A first
Maybe a last.
5.5 miles down
About 8 left to go.

Pain
Knees and back scream
After only 4.5 miles on
Soft terrain
Wondering what on earth
I’m doing and why.

I’m a swimmer not a runner,
A food and drink lover
Not an Amazon warrior

The crushing impact of
Tender sore
Paved miles loom ahead
I’m uncertain how
To make it through
And need to figure out how.

Icing
Ibuprofen
Altering my running form
To harmonize desire
With the reality
Of my body mechanics,
A bit creaky and stiff.

More gym time now to
Strengthen quads, hams, back
With core and flexibility work
While maintaining swimming too,
Of course.

The weekend day before
I’ll be grabbing my race bag
At the Rock n Roll Expo
Among the billionaire fit
Rolling in lean
Oxygenated fascia deep…

I want to get to that finish line
To complete the race
Going at a pace that resembles
Some variance of running
Somehow
Some way.

Harmonize

Disastrous Openings–Day 27 of Getting Dressed

IMG_4008I awoke feeling unwell
A summer cold coming on
An emotional gratitude rift.

Lost fog clouds my way.
Disastrous onset
Heavy, unable to shake.

A wish to reach for
Expired medications
Dusty pills in cabinets
Beckon for obliteration
Less capacity to feel.

Following recommendations of articles
On how to get “happy fast,”
I’ve immersed myself
In a good read,
Went running,
Pulled weeds…

So now what?

I had a novel insight–

If I had more money,
Had less body fat,
Were more ripped,
Traveled more,
Ate more gorgeous dishes,
Weighed less,
Had fewer things break,
Had clearer skin,
Were more popular…

Demons would still
Penetrate through
The membrane of
my well being.

Imbalance in physiology
May be my worst enemy
Not carbs.

Everyone’s got to do
What she needs to do
And then wait for
This miserable opening
To close.

Disastrous

Sailing through Poison Mercury Waters Between Women

Envy
An energy rooted
Strongly within women
And in men, surely,
But I’m talking about
A specialty poison mercury
That can bubble up among women–
Between women–
That hopefully, we seldom feel
Curdling our insides,
If ever,
But occasionally, just might.

We’ll see what someone else
Appears to have–glorious travel
And stays at international resorts,
Opportunities to visit
Multiple domestic cities,
Business/career success–
An especially dicey topic
Between women not working
Outside the home
Particularly when success
Happens for the spouse of
One stay-at-home, but not
For the other–
Fancy dinners, parties and
Nights out,
Multiple residences….

As humble and “unbraggy”
As they may be about
Their sunlit circumstances,
The rest of us
Can be vulnerable to
Feeling pain because
These photographs,
Social media posts and
Just their general sharing
Can make us double over
From a sense of lack
We may feel we have,
In comparison.

Hearing about the goings on
Of those with more
Financially plush cushioning
Can end up scraping away
What we were working on–
The layer of gratitude
We’ve been cultivating
In our own lives–
Leaving an open, bleeding sore.

We have come to understand
That an attitude and eye
For positive plentitude
In small, every day experiences
Is for anyone’s taking
If she’d cock a her head
To the side a different way.

We know that searching for
The upside is a more constructive
And happier mental ecology
To grow and so
We seek to live out
Our own unique sense
Of good fortune,

But still…slips happen.
A much newer way of being,
This skin is thin and fragile.
We may not have been
Brought up to feel and express
Appreciation and gratitude
(Like EVER) and thus
Have to rethink and retrain
Old patterned ways of being.

At times, the healthy sightline
Can become foggy, unclear
Making the landscape of our lives
Look uninhabitable, barren,
A Death Valley spreading darkness
That may tempt us to eschew these
Newly “golden” friends
Who are actually
Too important to turn away.

We may also happen to know
The underside of shiny–
That these lucky women have
Encountered glitches and difficulties
In their lives through which
We’ve been able to
Sail more smoothly.

That is the way of balance
Even if things still feel very
Lopsided from my seat.

Sail