Riding Panic within Adult Life

Afternoon slump
Leaves me jelly fished,
Limp weary.
Lackluster choice leads me
Retreating to my bedroom
To crawl under slightly scratchy
Blankets even though
The sun shines brilliantly
Warming friendly playgrounds,
Quiet now, with naps
Lulled by mild wind
To unroll weather into
Pure spring perfection
On this day off.

Clean laundry lies strewn
On the bed next to my prone self
Waiting for my feminine
Homemaking “magic” to materialize
To bring each wrinkled shirt,
Crumpled towel and sheet
To full attention with
Crisply folded corners
Before being neatly put away.

The many bills,
The dirt and dust,
High school senior receptions,
Family preparations,
House renovations and
Job related issues that require
My attention and decision
Overwhelm my visual
And mental landscape
Clouding peace of mind.

So I lay here, paralyzed,
Creating and accomplishing nothing,
Just breathing my existence in,
Fighting off age old
Anxious dread and
Oncoming galloping panic.

I wonder how other people
Grab life’s rearing head so well–
Full of sudden side steps,
Abrupt bucking and other
Unforeseen moments.

How do they grasp wiry mane
To meet life’s demands, head-on,
While maintaining composure,
Equanimity and the will
To go on and on,
Day after day?

These engaged people
Proactively deal with life’s
Cleaning, house tidying,
“Kin work” card sending,
School volunteering and
Undertake even more extras like
Planting and growing things
While working full and part time–

And appear so adept at
Keeping life in such
Contained control that when
You need to drop something off,
Last minute, unexpected,
They are able
To calmly say “Yes,”
To you briefly coming over.

While at the entrance,
You note hooks by the front door
Holding coats hung up
In orderly rows.
During quick conversation,
You catch a glimpse of
A living room containing
Visible furniture and table top
Surfaces relatively free
Of paper, magazine, newspaper,
Dirty sock and other random
Debris piles,
Unlike those that
Clog my own spaces.

Morning after emerging
From a respectably rare,
Long sleep,
For which I am grateful,
I ought to feel content
After a spinach scramble
Accompanied by heavily buttered
Crispy toast and
Drunk down with
Multiple milky espressos
Sweetened with a square
Of dark chocolate
Between my front teeth….

I imagine that’s enough
Consumption procrastination
And that housework
Ought to be dipped into now…

Right?

Panicked

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