Unravel: Using Medications to treat Anxiety–Day 21 of Getting Dressed

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A gnawing ache
Intermittently cuts out
A piece of my side
Leaving a gaping lonely hole
Making me hobble,
Tilted and off balance
Baffled as to how
I got sidelined
Spectating in the stands
While players run afield
Assisting and scoring
In their own lives.

Some days, the undertow
Of physiology pulls me down
So much harder than others.

I want a warrior mentality
To hack through life’s outback
Difficulties with machete calm
And cultivated strength
Underneath massive,
Protective banana leaf shade.

How do people keep their
Inner coils well shaped,
Spaced so evenly and
Operating smoothly
During what feels like
Heavy bouncing from
Life’s unexpected
And unpleasant surprises?

Maybe They don’t either.
Maybe they, too,
Feel the ends
Of their heart strings
Getting pulled out
From underneath them

Unraveling spools of composure
And sense of well being.
Maybe the highly evolved
Can also lose their focus,
From time to time,
And forget to make a point
Of seeing beauty
In a smiley face pancake
Or to experience the gentle feel
Of crisp clean sheets
Wrapped around sleepy smooth skin.

Or, maybe some people
With more balanced
Physiological chemistry
And a longer track record of
Robust positive mental training
Are lucky enough to notice
And feel on a little less
Of a grand scale?

I want joyful ways to
Always envelop and uplift me
100% of the time
Giving me depth of measured
Perspective and confidence
To love myself and others,
A warmed inner glow to guide me,
But I know that kind
Of blanket consistency
Is not possible.

While determined to rise above,
There is a definite
Chemical quicksand
That is inclined to make me sink
With self doubt and
Nervous negativity.

Drowning would only require
Allowing my body to go limp
While I ducked my head
Below the surface.
So easy to do
In its very familiarity.

But I want to live
And have a sane existence, at that
And so fight
Tooth and nail
Against my physiology.

Besides medications,
Nothing is 100% full proof,
Including anxiety and fear.
Those feelings dissipate
When held onto loosely and
Allowed to slip away
With ocean tides of
New incoming awareness.

So what about using
Medications to ease anxiety?

I tried that too.
Antidepressants cap
Gale force storms
Within a muffled fog.
There is appeal to living
Inside an emotionally cushioned
Bubble where
Life’s blows fall
With only the softest “thunk!”
And disappear quietly and quickly.

Those meds were a plus
Because they cleared away
Unproductive mental cobwebs
And thereby enabled me
To be the best person
I could be.

But getting through life
With medication aid
Is a double edged sword.
They work almost too well.

I found those meds
To be numbing and
Personality robbing.
While I no longer had
Access to such deep lows,
I also no longer possessed
Any highs of caring
Or passionate feelings.

All my emotions,
Including happy ones,
Became dulled,
Flattened,
Flat lined.

While looking from a
Perch up high on the ceiling,
Down at myself,
I watched my own life
Proceed along from a distance.
Those were odd sensations that
I’m disinclined to relive,
If I don’t have to.

So I sit here today,
With my whole self
Wobbling fragilely in one hand,
Unsure of the most
Healthy way to proceed
Until I do feel better.

Unravel

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