Fortune: Are You Good for Long Term Relationships or Just a Terrific Lay?

Now and then
I find myself hurled down
From a high joy ledge
Precariously narrow
To begin with
Slippery to sit
Cantering without reins and stirrups
Relying on feel and seat
An advanced venture.

Cuss words, mean names
Slung at me
Rocks never before lobbed,
Lobbed
Suddenly,
Brutally,
Completely
Hitting me with
Gale force yelling
Unexpected, uncalled for
However deeply imperfect I am.

The fall is steep.
The crash impact, unforgiving
Sealing off airways
Of possible conversation, openings.
Brain cells to
A healthy future die
Leaving tissue wasted,
Limp,
Unusable.

Broken bird wings
Crumpled sideways
Bent backwards
Mangled inhuman shapes.
Perplexed at finding myself
Sprawled out, assaulted,
I lay stunned
Chest down seeing white.
Something significant
Has happened internally
But I don’t yet know
What broke.

But I do know
The pain is real.
Tear drops spring up and out
Wetting dry eyes
Rolling down cheeks
Covered in sunblock
While riding the bus
On route to work
Belie my cold exterior.

I must carry the years
The history
The life building
In my heart, always,
And thus must still care.
And yet, there’s also
A part of me
That is too tired to care.
A definite turning off
And turning away.
This day has started
And ended poorly, indeed.

Where does one go from here?
Where is it possible to go,
Anywhere?

There may come a breaking point
When He has had enough of me,
Not the other way around.
Leave taking won’t be forced
By me this time
But won’t be stopped by me either.

Maybe a time comes when
Neither person has anything left
To unpack and contribute to
Make the forest picnic delightful.

Reaching in,
The basket is not only empty
But turns out,
The sun has set
Making the ground damp and cold
With people surreptitiously
Glancing at watches
To see what time it has become.
No warmth and desire left
To work with.
Time to move on?

During these times,
Self doubt clouds my way.
I idly wonder if
Maybe I’m not good for
Long term relationships,
Not my fortune.

Not everyone is made
To last long term, after all.
With my ability to annoy,
Hurt and anger males
To this degree,
Maybe I just make
A terrific, short
To medium term lay
And that’s all.

Fortune

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