Pattern: Binging on Food to Feel

Crumbs and empty cupcake liners
Lie crumpled on my plate.
I’ve been behaving badly
By overeating–

Something I’ve successfully
Managed to escape
With my new focus on
Slowing my life down which
Includes chewing and tasting
My food more thoroughly–
Until now…

So as things stand,
Someone needs to please
Save me from grocery store
Cupcake hell!

Bought the night before
In an exhausted after work state
With another who loves to
Humor my sweet tooth

“Because life is too short not
To enjoy good tasting food,”
There was such an
Exhilarating plentitude.

Still, was opting
For the dozen box cupcakes
Because the price was so much
Of a better deal
Compared to the single
Marble cake slice
Such a good idea
For the likes of me?

Me, who is so easily seduced
By icy swirls of frosting
Climaxing up into
Teasing apexes that
It’s hard to stop eating
Once I start?

Emerging straight from
Commercial freezers,
The frosting is harder,
Almost solid blocks of super
Sweetness that excite me
As I bite down into that part
While leaving most of the cake.

This binge gives me
A flash flood high that only
Concentrated sugar can
And turns me into some kind of
Unstoppable sugar predator.
The cake part still gets eaten,
Grudgingly, because I mean
What are you going to do
With the rest anyway?

Once, during another life phase,
I must confess,
I did eat only the frosting
Off the tops of at least
A half dozen cupcakes,
In one sitting,
And threw away
The bottom cake portions,
In public.

Why?

Because I possessed a pattern
Of eating beyond fullness.
This desire to comfort myself
With delicious tastes
Expressed itself
Particularly strongly
With desserts.

So while everyone else
Was intensely emotionally
Absorbed with watching
Some amazing football maneuver
Playing on TV,
I moved to the table of desserts
Leftover from a poorly attended
Promotion to reward
Certain credit card holders
We had just finished.
There were cookies
But I could resist those.

I started with the intention
To eat just one cupcake,
The whole thing of course,
And be done.
But once I tasted
The pretty white frosting,
Something took hold of me
As though the cream cheese richness
Was the best thing I’d ever eaten
And as if my life depended on
Eating as much of that
As possible,
Nothing else.

So there I stood
Unnoticed, quietly and quickly
Devouring one frosting mound
After another off of the
Red velvet beauties
Until my stomach might burst and
The shame of what I had just done
Overtook me.

“I’m thinking those cupcakes
Are for everybody,
Not just for you,”
A voice finally said in my head
As I stopped myself
From reaching
For yet another one.

Then later that same winter
I had one other similar,
Notable binge while working
A well appointed corporate
Launch party in a fancy box
High up in our city’s
Football team’s stadium

That involved chocolate fountain
Rice Krispy treat and
Pound cake dipping
As well as gorging on
Multiple mini shot glass,
Liqueur soaked cakes
Expertly layered in espresso and
Vanilla cream at the back
Of the room

While a drawing for
High end prizes
Directed guests’ attention
Entirely to the front.

That night, I have to say,
There were more than enough
Desserts leftover just sitting out
So I wasn’t harming anyone
Except myself.

I’ve since decided that
Being that wired up
On sugar extremities
Actually feels physically bad
About 30 minutes later
As a kind of crash
Blows me over leaving me restless,
Feeling guilty and sometimes
Gives me stomach cramps.

Since then, there have been
Way fewer binges like those
And to that degree,
Though smaller episodes
Like today still occur
Because, well, I’m human.

Pattern

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